Tending precisely to your emotional hunger
Assess Your Basic Emotional Needs
As an emotional being, your basic needs are not limited to your physical
body. Community, connection, spirituality, intimacy, sensuality, touch,
comfort, and pleasure are some of the things you need to feel human. If
these needs are not regularly on your radar, you may be chronically deficient
in basic emotional nourishment.
Some questions to ask when you are feeling emotional distress include:
Have I been in touch with friends and family?
Have I been able to share with someone (friend, family member,therapist, etc.) what is really going on with me lately?
What have I been doing for fun? What makes me laugh these days?
Have I been doing the things that give me joy? Cooking, reading,dancing, painting, singing, learning something new, listening to music, or watching movies, for example.
Other than food, where do I find pleasure and comfort?
What am I doing these days that fills me with delight?
Am I getting enough physical touch these days, whether through sexual relationships, other sensual touch, nonsexual touch, massage, self-massage, or masturbation?
What am I doing for my spiritual self?
What am I doing to connect with community, whether through AA, Al Anon, church, synagogue, meditation center, community center, volunteer work, affinity group, book club, or something else?
What am I doing to manage my stress? Is my current stress level above or below average?
How are my mindfulness and meditation practices going?
Even if you are not having a difficult time, these questions address the
basic emotional needs all humans share. Check in with this list periodically
to ensure you are meeting your needs for satisfying relationships, physical
touch, pleasure, and community. When you have these things, by the way,
getting through tough times feels a bit more manageable.
Phoebe’s Story
Phoebe had recently decided not to pursue weight-loss surgery. She was
well aware of the painful truth that people treated her better when she
was in a smaller body but decided not to harm herself any further
through anything the diet culture had to offer. Still, Phoebe struggled
with her relationship with food, her cravings, the urge to binge, and
accepting her body as it was. We emphasized the importance of staying
with her discomfort to move through and transform it while meeting her
basic needs.
Phoebe understood the contributors to her painful relationship with
food—parents who “didn’t get it,” poor boundaries and
disproportionate concern with taking care of others that led her to use
food as self-care, inconsistent eating and stocking of food—and had a
plan for how to work through these issues both logistically and
emotionally. We emphasized regular meals and snacks, adequate sleep
and water, and paying attention to stabilize her biologically so she was
more capable of staying with herself during times of discomfort. On bad
body image days, through difficult discussions with her parents, work
stress, and run-ins with people from her dieting past, Phoebe continued
to “get the basics” and to pay attention to what was arising in her body,
heart, and mind.
Journal Prompt: What is your relationship with your emotional needs like? What emotional needs do you consider regularly? What emotional needs are easier to lose touch with? What additional emotional needs are not included in this list but are essential to your overall well being?