I just don't feel myself at this weight

I cannot tell you how many times I've heard this from clients and every time my heart breaks. But there is a lot to explore here. Here are some thoughts to get you started.

First, a word about how we develop self-image. We are born with a certain temperament and various genetic predispositions that impact how we relate to ourselves and others. Then we are marinated in our family of origin where some of our qualities are celebrated, some are ignored, and others are framed as problems. Depending on their own self-image and self-awareness, our caregivers might support us to be “ourselves” – our whole selves – or they might try to shape us into something they think will make us happy, successful, and accepted. Often there is some combination of the two. 

Part of this shaping can involve messages around the importance of appearance – facial features, hair, how we move our bodies, and the shape and size of our bodies. These messages are then amplified by peer groups, sub-cultures, and the mainstream culture in the form of images, media, healthcare interactions, and relationships with family, friends, and even strangers. 
 
We might enter adolescence and early adulthood believing that our appearance is high up on the list of important things about us – if not the most important. Our sense of self then revolves around improvement of physical characteristics and attainment of some kind of idealized version of ourselves (the specifics of which depend on our various intersections). We envision the arc of our lives as moving toward a time when we become the person others like, admire, and want to be around.
 
This idealized version of ourselves – or the process of becoming that person – starts to feel like “our true selves.” But this is not the whole truth. 
 
We humans are all driven by a desire for safety and connection. Our culture – and the people closest to us – often confirm that when we are physically attractive, we are more lovable and more likely to belong. So we learn to downplay aspects of ourselves like our interests, our favorite things, whatever makes us different. We might even shape our interests around the beauty ideal. And if our bodies don’t comply with where we want to belong, we begin to view them as problematic. 
 
Our bodies become the reason we didn’t make the team, didn’t get asked out on the date, don’t feel successful, don’t feel happy. Not that our bodies never impact how others receive us (or don’t) but the narrative about our bodies is very generalized and not usually based in reality. 
 
The reality is that our bodies are a part of who we are that impacts how we show up in the world and how the world responds to us. (Truth: we are usually more concerned about the appearance of our bodies, which is an even smaller part of who we are that doesn’t consider our whole bodies either!) 
 
But there are many other parts to us – our creativity, our relationships, our favorite foods and types of activities, whatever lights us up or makes us feel compassion. Given the nature of impermanence and how our bodies inevitably change over the course of our lives, I’d venture to say that those other parts of ourselves – how we connect with others, how we feel most alive, what we care about – those are MORE about who we really are. And who we are always becoming. 
 
Sometimes, we need to reconnect with what it means to be ourselves. If we didn’t get the encouragement from our family of origin to be our true, whole selves, we might have to find ways to discover exactly who we are. And if we got the message early on that our appearance is paramount, part of this exploration might include just how much of our “self” is determined by the exterior of our bodies. 
 
If you struggle to feel like yourself at your current weight, perhaps you might ask yourself the following questions:

• Does the appearance of my body make me who I am?*

• Are there parts of who I am that are separate from my body and appearance?

• Do my feelings about my body get in the way of my connecting with other parts of myself?

• Do my feelings about my body prevent me from doing the things I care about?

• How much of this is really about my body and how much of it is about how I’ve learned to think about my body?

 
*Read that one again and really spend some time on it!
 
Anyway, I love your whole self. The real one. 

Jenna